Dear Grassy:

I’m feeling so worthless these days. I don’t know if it’s just me. I keep dating the wrong men over and over and keep setting myself up for rejection. I don’t feel like I have any value or self-worth and my self esteem is completely gone.

I am still so mad at my ex-boyfriend. He broke my heart and found someone new but continues to talk to me via text and facebook. He’s so happy with his new girlfriend and I’m in so much pain.

Everyone leaves me because they say I am too smothering and needy. But I only hold them close because I am afraid of being alone and feel I would never love again.

How can I make this pain go away? How can I be good enough for anyone?

TheBraveOne.

TheBraveOne,
First of all, you are not worthless and your value is greater than anything you can imagine. Before I try my clumsy hand at answering this complex question, I want to thank you for opening up, from the bottom of my heart.

What you are describing here reminds me a lot of my own personal model for self-loathing, I’ve dubbed it The Shame Spiral. It was where I would engage in self-destructive behaviors, then I’d hate myself so much for engaging in them, that I’d seek out different and more destructive behaviors and then hate myself more for those etc. It’s a bottomless pit.

The worst part about the Shame Spiral, is that no one else can help you to escape it. Only you can break the cycle.

You aren’t broken, you aren’t worthless, you simply deserve better than you’ve come across yet, and you feel lost. Everyone feels lost. Someone, somewhere, out in the wide world is looking for you too. I believe this, though I can’t prove it.

I believe that everyone has someone, who will make all the baggage and shame and self-loathing seem like a joke. You need to believe it too, believe it with all your heart.

I’m big on forgiveness. The tricky thing about forgiveness is that (much like love) it doesn’t matter how much you spread around to others if you haven’t first allowed it of yourself. You’ve made mistakes and you’ve suffered consequences, you must surely be learning.

The Marines say that: “Pain is Just Weakness Leaving the Body.” Though they’re not talking about the kind of pain that you’re dealing with, I think it applies, you’re just feeling the pain too deeply to see how strong you’ve become as a result. I wish I knew some shortcut, some special technique for “getting over” rejection and heartbreak, Lord knows I have experience. But, unfortunately, as Usher says, you have to just “Let it Burn”.

Social Media complicates relationships in such a poisonous and toxic way, your entire personal history left open wide for every Schmoe you met at a party or every schmuck you knew in High School. Twitter, Facebook, Draw Something, Words With Friends- You’re forced to endure their most mundane utterances, their most insignificant thoughts, see where they had dinner and with whom. You’re forced to remember their keen eye for detail and their knack for linguistics. I’m not recommending that you do something unfriendly as unfriending them, but it might not be the worst thing to consider if those addictive eyeball thieves hurt you so much.

I might be shooting for the moon here, but perhaps you might benefit from taking a month, maybe two, off of the things that hurt you: Guys, Facebook, Fear and Loathing. Assign some responsibility to that formerly destructive time. Whatever makes you happy, feels fulfilling (exercise, painting, poetry, darts, fantasy sports). Also don’t ever be ashamed to seek professional help. In this world that I know of, nobody comes out unscathed. It’s important for everyone to have someone to talk to.

Grassy

-Readers, the idea for this column is my attempt to force college students to take a closer look at the things that we all have in common, no matter which phase of life we’re in or how different our backgrounds might be. It bears mentioning that I am not licensed in anything except ServSafe Sanitation. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, please seek help from someone smarter and more responsive than me.
For Depression: Kids Help Phone- 1800 668 6868
National Suicide Hotlines USA: 1-800-784-2433 (SUI-CIDE); 1-800-273-8255 (273-TALK)
CrisisChat.org, 1800 GRAD-HLP, plus many more, geared specifically to College students or young adults.