Dear Answers,

I have been dating my girlfriend for a while now, and there are some things that are really starting to bother me. She always wants to come along when I hang out with my friends, and she gets upset if I can’t answer her calls.  Last week I had to work late and I didn’t see she had texted me, when I explained she got all weird and suspicious.  I love her and she has great qualities, but it’s driving me nuts that it seems like she doesn’t trust me. How do I get her to stop being jealous all the time?

-Feeling torn

Dear Torn,

Your dilemma is a common one. Jealousy rears it’s ugly head in many relationships and when it isn’t nipped in the bud early, it can be the beginning of the end.  It’s called the “Green Eyed Monster” for a reason.

Normal jealousy is a reaction to a real threat to a relationship like cheating, obvious attraction to someone else, spending time with an ex, or as a response to other difficulties that you are going through in your relationship.

What you have described sounds like a  whole different level of jealousy, which is much more possessive and detrimental in nature. With this jealousy, feelings and behaviors have nothing to do with the circumstances of the relationship, instead they are created by insecurities and low self esteem.

My advice is to explain to her that you want to have a happy and healthy relationship and that means trusting you to be the boyfriend she fell in love with. Let your girlfriend know you love her and that you chose this relationship, and aren’t looking to be with anyone else.

Other than reassuring her that she is the one you want, she must be the one to look within herself, and work on her own issues. She is responsible for her own actions,  just as you are responsible for your’s, which means establishing clear boundaries when it comes to jealous behaviors.

Of course couples have shared social lives, but you also need to be able to spend time with your own friends as well. No one should be expected to be at beck and call 24 hours a day, and you should not feel guilty when you’re unavailable, whether it be that you are with friends, family, working late or simply stuck in traffic. Once you set these boundaries, it is essential that you stick to them.

If she is the right partner for you this can be an opportunity to grow as a couple, but if she cannot abide by your boundaries or if she continues to break them, then you must accept that your relationship is not headed in a good direction. Relationships marked by jealousy are sure to deteriorate over time, often with lasting emotional damage.

Make your expectations clear. Things will either improve, or you will know that you must move on to allow yourself the opportunity to build a relationship based on trust and respect.

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